What Do You Think of Your accomplishments?

So far in my life the only things I've succeeded in doing is pinning, liking, and commenting. Theses are my most successful attributes to date.
Woe be to me....

Sorry, I'm having that kind of day, a day where all I've done/nothing but is take stock of my accomplishments and compare them to my failures, only to find that my failures significantly out number any accomplishments that I've ever tried to , well, accomplish. Leaving me to wonder where has my life been, where is my life going? Is it too late to even attempt an endeavour/a go at a life? What have I been doing all this time. Looking back all I see is a vast waste land of...wastefulness. You wouldn't think that a life full of doing nothing would leave such a mess and/trail of debris in it's wake...but it did. An enormous quantity of useless knowledge, inarticulate comments, foolish answers, and times too many to count of me just being a fool and just plain acting 'too cool of school'.
And, look where that's got me.
Sometimes it feels like I've got one life to live and I'm spending it living a life that some else wanted for me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful for the job that I have and am willong to stick it out with it but, my heart and passion is not where this job lies.

Speaking of passion...

...I haven't been able to feel any in the last few years.
Not for art, not for reading, and most definitely, not for life.

...Now, where does that leave me? What doe you do when you don't have any passion for anything anymore?
What happens if you don't have any hope anymore?

Speaking of hope...

...I don't have that, either.

...For anything.

And, I'm stumped as to where I have to go to get it.

Some days, I fear where this leaves me. With no option left, what is one to do?

And, how is one to go about doing it?

Most days I have trouble feeling good about myself. I waft from (between) self loathing to down right despair and all out hatred of/for myself. It's an awful job, as well as a full time job just to keep my head above water and find a good reason to like myself. I do this, go through this, on a daily basis. It's exhausting.
Some days I wonder how I find the will to get up in the morning.
Today...I'm having one of those days.
I'm finding it hard to breath, my chest feels like it has sucked up a ton of diesel fuel, black tar like substances that is now clogging up my airways, trying to choke what little life I may have left out of me.
Will it win?
...today, I don't know.

All of this morbid/maudlin thinking stems from the fact that I have achieved exactly nothing in my long, yet short life on this earth. I am forty-one years old, soon to be forty-two and I can count on one hand all of the things that I'm proud of doing, all of the things that I've actually accomplished, things that would make anyone proud, like in a job-like aspect, or a career-like function. In that respect I have accomplished exactly nothing.
Deep within this thinking, I feel, is the need, my need for others approval. Why this is so important to me I don't know. Or, am not quite ready to talk about yet...

I was raised under the cloak of negativity in my house, and around my people.
What I picked up from my loved ones was:
-Looking pretty is very important, as is being thin.
-nothing good ever happens.
-Always expect the worse, for it will always show up.
-There is no hope. Ever.
-Don't defend yourself, call someone else to do it for you. (This soon changed and morphed into me not knowing how to defend myself at all, in any situation. Which is probably why I feel like such a push over (sometimes I fell like this may not be entirely true...) sometimes).
Maybe, it's all a matter of perception. Maybe I didn't get the whole picture and am just picking and choosing the parts that I feel best puts me in a darker light or, may justify my means?
I hope not. I hope that I have at least some clarity in this area...
I also feel like I have family pressures on me but, again, is it perceived pressure or real pressure?